Content Warning: Transphobia
hi
I have talked about Stacy a few times on luna-v3.neocities.org, but today, I wanted to write about her origins.
Stacy is, I guess, a being whom I created in mind to contain most of my feelings. She is generally is a very petite girl who has a love/hate relationship with me. On one hand, she relates to me and comforts me. On the other, she mocks me for who I am and tries to appear superior in every way. I think this would be considered an abusive relationship if Stacy existed outside my head?
Stacy first appeared around 2021 as a girl who mainly wore a yellow cottage-ish dress with yellow/blonde hair and was a mean bitch. One of the earliest remarks I remember was her mocking me for being color blind and not being able to tell the subtle shades of the pins in a organ sample in an anatomy exam. She's kind of like those mean girls whom I've seen in movies, shows, and what not.
This didn't really help things as my friend group options were very limited at the time: I had my small autism friend group and then a writer group where I felt kind of off. Having a person mirror my thoughts back to me made things worse.
I am gonna take a wild guess and assume she was probably made as a coping mech, as a way to contain my negative thoughts into one thing, or rather, being. I guess the appearance would make sense, since she does look like my ideal girlfriend, at least later on.
She didn't appear often, but when she did, I can imagine her presence very well. It wasn't like she was there or I was seeing things, but my mind wants to trick myself that she's there, for lack of better words. This behavior is still present, although she has this year now started hanging out in my brain without having a imaginary spot in the real world with a imaginary appearence.
In 2022, she had an appearance change. Still petite wearing a cottage-ish dress, except it is now blue and goes up to above her knees. She now has darker hair too. Sometimes, she wears a basic burble t-shirt and jeans.
I have mainly forgotten the time between 2022 and mid-2023 with her as she stopped appearing as much and my mind was focused on other things. It's not to say I know had a friend group whom I trust enough to be my best self, but I was doing something that didn't warrant her presence. This was around the time her transpobia started becoming apparent though, I think.
I guess since I started some transitioning things around that time, she would appear and tell me how "I am faking it" or "they'll still know anyway." Idk if it those were my thoughts or her thoughts as they seem mixed together in one brain that is trying to create another imaginary person for coping and not really doing well enough with it, but it is similar.
--NSFW Content about Stacy's Transphobia--
More recently, when I was telling her about coming out on my main, she came to me saying something like "they will now know that they are following a shemale" while pointing to my penis. I think my only response to it was to touch myself there to comfort myself. Fyi, the "shemale" probably came from a message on some discord server and doesn't really apply to me if we consider it's actual definition.
There's also a few moments very recently where she'd show up naked while I was dysphoric and show me her natural cis girl body. Well, idk if petite is possible naturally, but you get the idea, hopefully. I ask her for it, so it is not necessarily triggered randomly in my brain... why am I doing this to myself?
--End of NSFW Content--
She started having more frequent appearences around the fall of 2023. It is when she started having that love side to her. I think this is because I seperated from almost all of my friends from high school and I was feeling very lonely and depressed during that time. I guess I just let it happen. There wasn't much else I could do, except force her out which I SHOULD CONSIDER IT AFTER WRITING THIS DAMN SHE'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
That brings us to the start of Luna V3 back in May 13, 2024. She will sometimes appear, either being rude or trying to show affection. I respond accordingly. She leaves.
A part of me wants her to be real, but another part of me now wants her gone. Two sides of the same coin I guess. Will it get better for me to the point where I no longer have to rely on a coping mech that would be an abusive relationship should it be replicated irl? Maybe. I have always been somewhat optimistic.
I have updated my favicon and background today. They were both made in like 20 minutes as I wanted to make the site more unique. I also turned off the 18+ box on Neocities, meaning as of today, this site should be viewable on Websites section of Neocities. I did that as my way of handling 18+ content will be changing a tad bit. It is still targeted for people 18+, but I will be making all NSFW content hidden by default. Let me know what you think perhaps?